Today Isabella embarked upon her first day of Pre-school! (she calls it "kid school") This has been building up for weeks. She has talked endlessly about the "boys and girls" she is going to meet. I'm not sure who has been more excited, myself, or her.
I was able to schedule her to go on days when I am in my algebra class, so it works out perfectly! We wake up together, have breakfast together, I take her to her school, then mommy goes to her own school. It's really kind of wonderful. I was so excited when I found out that my schedule was going to permit her to go, that I ordered her a monogrammed lunch bag and back pack, and spent the better part of my paycheck on new duds for her at Gymboree. But tell me, who could resist those polka dot shoes?!
She loved her first day so much. When I dropped her off she ran right in, found a friend and said "Mommy, you can go to the car now."
I cannot believe my little chubby-cheeked red-head is already in pre-school. It seems like just yesterday I was in awe, hurting like I just got into a duel with a sumo wrestler, but staring at her asleep in her little clear box, terrified to have a nurse roll her out of the room for five minutes...
Now she wants me to wait in the car while she socializes.
Chooses her own shoes and socks, and puts them on all by herself.
is a silly ham.
has my freckles...sorry, kid.
has my mega-flexi-lips...sorry, kid.
is a lady...sometimes. A wise woman once told me, as long as you behave in public..."closed doors is closed doors." Thanks for the wisdom, mom-I mean...what?
is a daydreamer.
is a perpetual stinker who never ceases to amaze me with her stealth counteracted with a cherubic expression. I am so proud. You have learned well my child, you have learned well. Now, go forth and take on the universe as I have taught you.
My second day back at college. I'm in the library battling with the printer trying to print off some required something or other, I had already had trouble with my printer card, and was in a hurry to get to my next class. I quickly get up and there is an audible rip followed by a snap. Suddenly my shoe goes floppy, dangling off of my foot in the most peculiar manner.
Ipods were paused all around. One guy took out one ear bud to raise an eyebrow in my direction...the girl beside me busted out laughing.
I looked down, perplexed not sure what to do...do I keep walking with the flipped flop? Play it off nonchalant? That's it! Maybe no one will notice! I took a step...that option was obviously out of the question, the flop stayed put right behind me on the floor. That's when I looked back up, I could literally hear them thinking,
what is this strange redhead going to do now? I'm so glad that isn't me...OH CRAP don't make eye contact with her you fool! She might ask for help...I'm so glad that isn't me...
By this time my neighbor had recovered and she pointed one finger downstairs, she mouthed two words "Office. Tape." I quickly tossed the footwear nemesis Into my book bag, and headed for the office. Inevitably classes had just let out, the halls were packed. The office never seemed so far away. Here I was, dressed to the T with a silk flower in my hair, cute fingernails to match and...barefoot. Fashion statement? I could only hope.
I tried really hard to put off a hippie vibe.
I explained my plight to the young student aid working the office, she took a moment to stare at me blankly and then silently pushed a roll of black electrical tape in my direction. I was giggling like a mad women by this time and set to the task of taping the shoe TO my foot...that seemed like the best option. It got me across campus to my last class...and then it pooped out under my desk...Of course I made sure to be disruptive and show my desk buddy, who is a very big dude, named Sebastian. Sebastian wasn't quite sure what to think...he smiled politely and goes "Oh." So eloquent, that Sebastian.
Well, okay so I fail at blogging...haha! But my life is literally going by like a flashy blur these days.
I started my new new job last month and then school last week! If I'm not working, sitting in class, or doing homework, then chances are I'm finding stolen moments to snuggle my wiggly little princess. I say stolen because she seldom has time for such nonsense...such a busy-body, that Isabella!
I can honestly say I am doing much better with my situation these days. I've put myself in as much therapy as I can afford and after about two months I am already starting to feel little sprouts of my old self starting to pop up. I feel more confidant about my life and I'm not as ashamed to talk about it as I used to be. It's a work in progress. I've finally started to accept that I cannot expect results over night, a five year marriage cannot just be erased and I'm finally "okay" with feeling the pain of the loss and managing it, while also holding myself accountable for my own contribution to the situation. I no longer feel like a failure, more like a fighter :)
I will confess that before I was afraid to talk about real-life situations. I was afraid of what others would think of me, but I really want to be able to write about what's real, not what I wish was real. I have been accused of "playing the victim" by people who's opinions I used to value and hold in high esteem, so I immediately clammed up. I thought that the only time I should ever write was when I had something sunny to say. But now I know that just because I write about how I truly feel, does not in any way mean I am "playing a victim" I'm brushing off those negative crumbs in my life and moving forward.
I want to start setting aside a minute or two each day to chronicle this whole phase of my life. It's therapeutic for me to write about this, and one day I want to be able to look back and reflect on everything. Whether or not someone wants to read this no longer matters to me, I'm going to write what I want to write, you either like it or you don't, you either agree or disagree, either way, I'm a'writin' it, I hope that by being honest, perhaps I will help someone who is going through something similar. I certainly cannot be of any help to anyone if I am keeping it hush-hush because someone had a bag full of discouraging things to say to me.
Besides, I have so many positive things happening that I cannot wait to share!