Sunday, July 26, 2009

The time Hubby and I had dinner in a coven.

Uh-huh, you read right.

Since it has been a crazy-go-nuts weekend, and I have had zero time to take pictures, I figured I would leave you with one of Tyler's and my favorite awkward moments. We frequently like to look back on this night fondly...then we shudder, swallow audibly and talk about the Braves.

I worked at Starbucks for two years. To say I met/worked with some interesting characters is the understatement of the century (one day I will tell you about the lady with singing Tourettes who came through my line to order a decaf, triple venti, nonfat, no foam, sugar-free vanilla, extra hot, laaaaattttteeeee!!!) Anywho...aside from the fact that I was living in dirty, rotten, but oh-so-glorious, sin with my fiance (now hubby) I was a good, church of Christ, homeschooled-through-highschool, somewhat sheltered (I say somewhat because I was stealthy. I love you mom.) girl. Hubby? Well....hubby is groomed. VERY groomed, and most of the time he is dressed head to toe in Banana Republic. 'Nuff said.

So yeah, Starbucks, right. One of my favorite people to work with was this guy that I will call Dan. Dan was really weird, and he always smelled kind of like marijuana. But I liked Dan, he was vastly intelligent, did a hilarious robot impression and when we worked together we liked to have contests to see who could make venti frappuccinos the fastest. One night he invited Tyler and me over for tacos after my night shift, I had heard rumors that Dan made a killer spicy taco, so I agreed. Hubby and I picked up a six pack and headed over.

Dan gave us directions to his girlfriends house, whom I shall call Molly. (Dan and Molly also lived in dirty, rotten sin) Hubby was hesitant, but I told him to "Be more open minded"...Molly lived in the projects, no biggee, I'm not too good for the projects...Molly lived really, really far out into the projects....no...biggee...We get to their front door and there was this little sign that said "Welcome to my coven" I got a little chuckle out of that because, well...because I was homeschooled through highschool and I thought it was one of those silly jokes like "I couldn't find my car keys so I drove my broom instead!" har har har.....?....jeez, tough crowd.

It wasn't until Dan opened the door, wearing a studded dog collar, black eyeliner and parachute pants (NOT the Starbucks uniform I was used to seeing him in) that I noticed the enormous pentagram on the wall and an interesting looking swinging device in the living room.

Hubby blanched.

Molly was a gracious hostess, and I'm sure that we had an interesting conversation...but the fact that she was wearing really big, really long chains around her neck, and black panties with fishnet pantyhose, really had me distracted from any and all conversation...there's really no telling what I prattled on about.
We finally sat down to dinner, Hubby looked as if he were sitting on pine-cones. I decided to take the most obvious aspect of the room and attempt to start a normal conversation. There were books...lots of books. Floor to ceiling throughout the entire house was nothing but bookshelves. It wasn't until after I opened my big, fat, homeschooled mouth that I happened to actually look at what a lot of the books were about. Uhm....lets just say....that was an educational evening for me...Momma didn't teach me none of that in no home-skool.

Awkward silence.

Suddenly, Dan was completely overtaken by lust...it must have been the conversation starter about the books..., he jumped out of his chair, sending it flying into a bookshelf, and he began utilizing the chains around Molly's neck. He very deftly chained her to the dinner table....right on our tacos, dangit!....and he...licked her.

That was it. Hubby bolted.

Being a polite, Southern girl, I felt obligated to say something-anything-before I just chased after my hubby who was already gunning the engine of my Honda...I said something like "Man, Dan...those were great Tacos...see you at work tomorrow!..."

Incoherent moaning....

....and then I followed suit, bolting after my preppy, Banana Republic man.

In the car, I promised hubby to never ask him to be open minded again. We went home and read our bibles like good little sinners.

Just kidding on that last part, well, kind of. I prayed...hubby held himself and rocked back forth for a while.

Work was a bit awkward for me the next night. Dan was all smiles and invited us over for game night. After I got finished retching in the bathroom at the mere thought of what types of games they would be playing, I politely made up some bogus plans and lied right through my teeth.





10 comments:

The French Bear said...

Hahaha...... I love it, you just made my day!!! Tooooo funny, I have never actually encounter anyone like that so of course I can laugh and tease you!!! Your poor hubby, must have been quite a shock!!!
I work in retail and the people you meet!!! To say the least, the things they will tell you!!!
I loved your story!!! Have a happy Sunday!!!!
Hugs,
Margaret B

Christine said...

Haha, great story.

Prolly not a good one for the grandkids though, huh? Thanks for sharing, it made me laugh. :D

Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Oh my GOODNESS! Happy Sunday! I am making way through all of the comments I received when I was featured on SITS. It really is a great SITSahood.
Thank you so much for visiting me and have a blessed day!

Javiera said...

LOL, this is the best laugh I've had in a while! Good thing you ran out when you did! :D

Mer said...

OMG LMAO I cant imagine you sitting through all of that. I will treasure the mental images of your horror for a long long time. lol When I am having a bad day I will just think "Its not as bad as Mary in a coven" lol
lol you should right a book, stuff just happens to you. You have stickir luck than me. :)

Jessica said...

Let me discourage anyone from reading this while in a library. It is very hard to hold back the histerical laughter that left me awkwardly but silently shaking in my seat! :-)

The Rambler said...

Oh gosh...I totally squirmed just imagining the uncomfortableness your husband and you were feeling. Mine would have totally been rocking back in forth in a dark room in a closet if that happened to us :)

GREAT post!

Amanda said...

This is me. This is me laughing so hard that I'm crying and may have woken up my napping baby, who is upstairs behind a closed door. :) That story is PRICELESS and I will be reading it to Ian when he wakes up. Thank you for that. :)

BlueCastle said...

Oh my goodness! I have to go look up the word "coven" now, but I have some idea of what it means, thanks to your post. :) How horrible and awkward. (shudder)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I laughed til I snorted at this one! Your cuz- Robin