I was having a little fun. I love you mommy, I really do, but you're so naive...so elementary...do you really think you can get away with a peaceful shower that easily? Did you reallythink you would get to shave your legs today? Pssh...amateur.
Oh, mommy...you make me giggle, the way you try so hard, you do your hair, you wear your lipstick, you dress me in the shnazziest of clothes, and you yourself are usually so coordinated...but mommy, who do you really think you're fooling? It's my job to keep you grounded...which is why I ensured my best of tantrums the other day, this way you wouldn't notice your fly unzipped, and your hot-pink polka dotted underwear exposed to the world. You should know, I take my job seriously, mom. You can pretend all you want, but momma...I will personally ensure that you are never going to be one of those sauve moms who have it all together...that just isn't real.
All your friends should know by now that when they drop in on you, I'll be running around in only my diaper with my latest disaster crusted into my hair, and you will be desperately chasing me in your old lady robe with the ugly Gardenias all over it...you wont have any make-up on, and your dirty underwear will be piled up on the stairs waiting for you to put it in the washer...I'm doing this for your own good mom, I'm just testing those women for you, I want to make sure they're your true friends. You should thank me, really.
And the other day? you know, the day I got really mad in the commissary? Remember it mom? I'm sure you do...I was screaming at you and arching my back out of that horrid cart seat, I hate those cart seats mom...how many hints do I need to give you?!?!...I nearly flipped backwards out of it...but wow, mom! You were really on top of your game that day...you caught me by my feet, just like I knew you would, you ever so lovingly pulled me back into the cart by my ankles...and those women in the express line who gasped in horror and then talked about you behind their hands? Yeah, those...don't worry, I sent a subliminal toddler message to their children...their day is coming, and when it does, lets hope their toddlers are doing as good of a job training them for W.C.S. (worst case scenerio) as well as I am training you.
As for the entire bottle of shampoo with traces of Crest toothpaste that I dumped into my brand new rain boots...I know you'll figure it out, mom, that's why I love you so much.
P.S. Your plans to get rid of cable? dumbest idea ever. Sorry, just trying to look out for you, mom.